How having a disability strips you of your right to say “no”

Helping people is a good thing.  This a fundamental truth of humanity.  Young children are taught from a young age to always help someone in need.  But how often do we pause and ask ourselves, what if the person we’re trying to help doesn’t need or want our assistance? 

Having a disability, people automatically assume that I can’t do things.  Sometimes, they’re right - no, I can’t carry that heavy box of beer, it would be wonderful if you would do so.  But more often than not, they’re completely wrong.  I can open an ADA-compliant door, get in and out of my car, push up a hill.  Believe it or not, I’ve got the whole being-an-independent-adult thing down.   

Disability makes people uncomfortable.  They don’t know how to deal with it.  People can’t fathom the fact that someone with a body so different from their own, with various parts that may be missing, not function, or function differently, might be a happy, independent, productive member of society.  So they react by trying to help.  They assume that day-to-day tasks are impossible, and that it is society’s duty and burden to constantly be on the look-out for these almost-humans and intervene whenever possible.

I realize I am being harsh.  Many people have little experience with people with disabilities, and are truly well-meaning, kind people.  The desire to help people in need is one of the best features of humanity, and the presence of altruism in society is often considered evidence of God’s existence and love.  The problem is when we assume that all people with disabilities must always be in constant need of help, and, even worse, when we ignore their explicit “no.”  

I am a human.  There are times I need help, sometimes with something related to my disability, and sometimes with something completely different.  Offering help to someone in any circumstance is undeniably a good thing.  However, if this offer is rejected, then that needs to be respected. By ignoring the person’s “no”, we are taking away her right to live independently and to make decisions for herself; we are relegating her to “almost human” status and perpetuating the strong power difference in our society between people with disabilities and those without.  We are telling her that, because we are able-bodied, we know better than she does.   

Everyone has heard of racism, sexism, and ageism, but how many people have heard of ableism? Ableism, which is essentially the belief that it is better to be able-bodied than disabled, permeates every corner of society.  From physical access to buildings and attractions, to negative attitudes and discrimination in the workplace, to barriers to becoming parents, ableism is a great challenge for people with disabilities.  However, ableism isn’t even on the radar for most people.  

So how do we combat ableism while still helping people in need? We ask. We offer help, and listen to the answer.  We respect every individual's right to make decisions for himself, and we never take on the attitude of "it is my duty to help this person whether he wants it or not."  

And, when the answer is yes, we give help lovingly and respectfully, because, after all, helping people is a good thing.